To Fry, or Not to Fry That is Indigestion
by AlyGranger
Summary: Andrew, the confused milkman from HP and the Sorcerer's Stone is back! This tells the story of how he had to put the eggs through the Dursley's window and how he ended the speculation of who would die in Book 7. Be prepared for anything...literally!
1. Chapter 1

(Please refer to page 40 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for all references to the confused milkman. Prepare to be very confused by the end of the story)

(Also, Harry and Voldie and the Dursleys and the milkman are property of J.K. Rowling. The radioactive hamsters from a planet near mars are property of Weird Al Yankovic. And the idea for the story…well, let's just say you really don't want to know.)

Andrew was a very confused milkman with a very, very, very cute cat named Tom…not that that's very important to the plot. I just like the name Tom because it makes Voldemort angry. But Andrew wasn't always a confused milkman. It all started about 40 years ago when his parents….okay, we don't need to know how Andrew started, but his confusion started about 7 years ago. He was on his normal egg-delivery route for the dairy. But it sure as hell wasn't a normal day.

Andrew was whistling happily as he walked down Privet Drive, delivering eggs to the happy (okay…totally indifferent) citizens. But then he stopped. He stared. He wiped the droll off his chin. His jaw had dropped and he was shocked at what he saw!

Number Four Privet Drive had boarded up their door! Did they not like him anymore?

Feeling very insecure and unconfident, Andrew shakily went up to the door and rang the bell. "Hello?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"Just shove it through the window!" came the gruff and annoyed voice of Vernon Dursley. "Don't ask why, just get it done with. That's what we're paying you for, eh? Shove it."

Andrew walked through the stinky mulch-covered garden in front of the house, over to the window. He slowly handed a carton of two dozen eggs to the big and beefy Mr. Dursley, who grabbed them and slammed his living room window shut behind him.

Andrew left, feeling very scared and very confused. What was going on? Did they not like him any more? Were they going to fire him? He continued his route, hoping that was the end of the strangeness for that day.

Later, when Andrew had gotten home, he changed out of his uniform into more comfortable clothes, kissed his wife and kids, and sat down to dinner. Just then the phone rang. Andrew answered it and was surprised to hear the deep voice of his boss, Mr. Kennedy.

"Andrew, you're in big trouble for causing such a disturbance today on your route! I expected better from you, you no-good, rotten little-"

"Mr. Kennedy! I'm sorry, but they boarded up the door. I had no choice but to give it to them through the window."

"WHAT!" shouted Mr. Kennedy. Andrew winced and ignored his wife's questioning look.

"I had to, you see. I…"

"That's not why I'm calling you! But that just makes your shame on the company even worse! You should have asked the residents of the house-"

"But I did!" interrupted Andrew desperately.

Mr. Kennedy continued without hearing him. "-and gone on. But you switched their eggs for such a joke! How could you do this to my company! They'll never order eggs from us again! Why I oughta…"

"What are you talking about?" shouted Andrew, starting to panic. Had his boss finally lost it?

Mr. Kennedy was silent for a minute. "You may think that I'm an old coot, but I'm no moron. Somebody had to put those letters in those eggs and it sure as hell wasn't done at the company…or by the chickens," Mr. Kennedy chuckled at his own joke. Andrew just shook his head and sat down. "I'm sorry, Andrew, but you're fired."

Andrew lost his job that day. He never found employment again. His wife got fed up with him and took the kids and herself to a Home for Unloved Families in Norway. Andrew lost his mind, thinking about that day. He cracked with the insanity of the letters in the eggs. He went nuts and bonkers just being reminded of the boarded up door. He lost his marbles whenever he saw a window, making him recall how he had to hand the eggs through a window just like that.

Seven years later is where this story takes place. But don't worry. It's not a very long story. In fact, it's considerably shorter than the introduction. In fact, it's less than half the length. But it is still very important to the story.

Now Voldemort was rising in power, Harry Potter (the real cause of the windows being boarded up) was in his seventh year at Hogwarts, and thousands of Harry Potter fans around the world were trying to figure out whether it would be Harry or Voldemort who would die in Book 7. Not there was a book series about Harry or anything. The wizards would never allow for an innumerable amount of muggles to find out their deepest darkest secrets in the middle of a huge war with the Dark Lord. Saying Book 7 is just a figure of speech (or at least that's what they want us to think).

Andrew was able to solve all the suspense about who would die in the seventh Harry Potter book easily. Since Andrew's world had fallen apart around him and he had gone insane, nothing really mattered to him any more. So Andrew took a couple of sticks of TNT, atomic bombs, nuclear bombs, and a few radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars, and dug a hole to the center of the world. Then he left the explosives (and radioactive hamsters) in the center of the world and pushed his big, shiny red button (and no, I do not mean his belly button. This one was remote control and 500 gigabytes of power!)

And that was the end of the speculation over who would survive the Harry Potter books. Andrew never saw his very, very, very cute cat named Tom ever again.

THE END!


	2. Authors Note Spoiler for book 7

By the way, on page 96 of the US version of book 1 Colin admits that his dad is a milkman. Therefore, it was thanks to Colin's dad that the world blew up. However, after reading book 7 I decided that is a very cruel decision. However, it would mean that the milkman saved Colin from being killed during the battle.


End file.
